Night Weaning | Instagram post

N i g h t  W e a n i n g 🌚

We are considering night weaning over here.

18 months old.

Sleep has gone backwards.

I am a human vending machine / bean bag.

I feel so guilty for not having the stamina to keep going.

But I keep getting irritated.

Frustrated.

I wake up 20 minutes after falling asleep, angry that I am needed.

I don't want to be angry.

I can feel myself refusing feeds more often.

Resenting it.

Hiding from him.

I don't want him to sleep through the night. I would just like to move my body while I sleep in the way that I want to. To not wake up feeling broken. My anxiety jangling from too little REM. I feel like my sanity is being chipped away.

On one shoulder sits a tiny wizened woman, telling me... to stop making a big deal about it - what's the fuss? You're not even planning to stop breastfeeding completely. My kids were fine and they slept in a bin.

And then on the other is another shrivelled woman telling me... You're pathetic, there are people with actual problems not to mention those who want to breastfeed and don't and you're giving up when your son needs you the most. The good mums are gonna know; they can smell it on you. [ These women are mean, and weird...and why are they so old?? I digress.] I keep doubting myself, maybe I did the wrong thing all along. Maybe it will be harder for him now than when he was younger. Maybe I have been too distracted and he is just trying to get me to pay him some damn attention. Maybe sleeping pinning me down is the only way he knows how to stop me from the other million things in my mind.

I just read some advice to counterintuitively offer *more* and I could physically feel my shoulders get lighter - yes, it's ok to "give in", to be "that mum". It's ok. It's all ok.

It's really hard to write this, I hope someone understands. I've been dipping into a couple of v helpful groups on Facebook and I'll pop along to my next local LLL meeting. I might even call the ABM national helpline if I keep crying... I'm proud that I can ask for help now. And I know this is just another phase. But my god, I hope I'm doing the right thing for him.

Heart walking around outside of your body is right...💔