#whenibecameamother

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My dream as a child was to be a mother. And if I Had to do a job (even at 6 years old I wanted to be a full time mum), I would settle for being a midwife and looking after other babies and mothers.

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When we got closer to having children, I collected all my worries so that I could fix myself before imposing imperfections on my child (I'll let you guess how that worked out 😏). I was so scared that I would not love my baby enough, or at all. I thought I would be tested by a failure to bond. That maybe, actually I couldn't do this after all.

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In fact, my test has been falling for him so damn hard that my heart breaks constantly. That first cry split my heart wide open so that I thought maybe I didn't exist anymore.

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I mean, he looked like a beetroot with a terrible allergic reaction, and I just SWOONED.

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And 40 minutes later, when it was decided that there was a risk of infection and he was taken to SCBU, I had my first experience of that pressure in your throat and chest, the pain and fear that there is sometimes nothing you can do.

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After 5 months of a 98% mental and physical baby-takeover, I have found that I do still exist. I'm here, and I'm more me than I've ever been.

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And my heart was opened for everyone, not just for him.

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And how did I ever judge my parents?! This stuff is hard. And they didn't have the internet?!?

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I am sharing this post as an entry to a competition run by @dontbuyherflowers